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Tip 18 - Turning Failure into Success
Generally speaking you can only fail at something if you give up. So instead of saying “I can’t do this” or “I’m not a success” add the little word “Yet” to the end of the sentence. This starts a process of turning failure into success.
There are other ways to turn failure into success, here’s a way that you can do this for yourself or for others.
Consider this story: A college student breaks his leg during a summer holiday. He is crestfallen, because he can no longer play tennis and golf with his family and friends. A few days later, he realises that he now has the quiet, alone time to learn how to play the guitar, something he had always wanted to do but had been too busy to attempt. He then discovers he has a great aptitude for music and becomes a decent guitar player by the end of the summer. A year later, he changes his course to music. After graduation he embarks on a successful music career. Years later, his friends recall how unfortunate his leg fracture was that summer, and he says, "Breaking my leg was the best thing that ever happened to me!" From then on, whenever he is disabled by injury or illness, he recalls the lesson and is far less despondent over his temporary disability than he otherwise would have been, as he takes the opportunity to do something new and novel.
The meaning that any event has depends upon the frame in which we perceive it. When we change the frame, we change the meaning. The broken leg seems to be bad in the context of playing golf and tennis; but in the context of his life and career, it suddenly becomes good. This is called reframing: changing the frame in which a person perceives events in order to change the meaning.
Reframing is used in many fables and fairy tales that include behaviours or events that change their meaning when the frames around them change. The different-looking chick seems to be an ugly duckling, but he turns out to be a swan – more beautiful than the ducks he has been comparing himself to. Reindeer Rudolf’s funny - looking red nose becomes useful for guiding Santa’s sleigh on a foggy night.
Here are some more examples: The sound of a squeaky shoe on a busy pavement has little meaning; the same sound outside your window when you are alone in bed means something else altogether. A light in a church belfry is simply that. But to Paul Revere it meant that the British were coming, and also how they were coming: One if by land, and two if by sea. The light only has meaning in terms of the previous instructions that established a frame – an internal context that creates meaning.
There are several ways of reframing. One of them is called content reframing, because you need to know specific content in order to be able to reframe it. There are two kinds of content reframing: Meaning Reframing and Context Reframing
You can help people feel more successful by using a Meaning Reframe whenever there is a cause/effect situation and you realise that that there’s nothing inherently bad about it. Ask yourself the question “What else could this mean?” or “How does it make them feel a failure?”
An example:
They say “it can't be done in time – I feel a failure”. You think “this could mean that there is not enough help or the timeframe is unrealistic” and a reframe response could be “What if you got in extra help? Or achieve an important part of it in the timeframe.”
Laura Nash and Howard Stephenson, of the Harvard Business School, did a study of what made people feel an enduring sense of real success: they found four ‘components' that were necessary:
- Happiness - feelings of pleasure or contentment
- Achievement - accomplishments such as achieving goals we have set ourselves
- Significance – Making a positive impact on other people we care about.
- Legacy - helping others find future success
So just by helping someone feel happier about a situation is an important component in helping them to be a success.
What ways can you use your ‘Meaning Reframe’ skills to help someone to feel happy by helping them to achieve significant goals that they can leave as a legacy? That would be a great way of enabling others and yourself to be totally successful.
You can also use Meaning Reframe in on other areas, for example, you can reframe:
- A problem as an opportunity
- A weakness as a strength
- An impossibility as a distant possibility
- A distant possibility as a near possibility
- Unkindness as lack of understanding
Context reframe is slightly different. Since the meaning of any behaviour or event exists only in relationship to the context in which it occurs, a context reframe leaves the meaning of an event or behaviour the same and shows how it could be a useful response in a different context.
With a context reframe a person takes the disliked event or behaviour and asks, "Where could this event or behaviour be useful?" or "In what other context would this particular event or behaviour be of value?"
Some examples:
They say: "I procrastinate all the time; I just can't get things done."
Reframe: "That's
a great skill to have; especially when you apply it to overeating - just put off
having that second helping. Lucky you."
They say: “My partner is too stubborn.”
Reframe: “I bet he has the tenacity to stand by you in tough times.”
They say: “My partner works all the time.”
Reframe: I bet you will be thanking him when you get your dream home.
Some final thoughts
When helping someone by presenting a reframe remember to make sure you have good rapport and their permission to offer it. You may believe your reframe is the best ever and yet it may not work for the other person - simply because they have a different model of the world than you do, so you might want to explore other possible reframes. If you present the reframe in the form of a question or a metaphor (story), it will most likely be more fully considered than if you present it as a statement of fact.
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It’s much easier to have another person to give a viewpoint when generating reframes. A coach can aid you in this respect and in many other ways.
Click here to arrange an introductory session to find out more.
