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Tip 20 – Successful ways of dealing with difficult people
Difficult people can be health hazards. I read recently that difficult people make
up about ten percent of the population and cause over half of all relational damage.
For our own well-being and the well-being of those we care about we must learn how
to cope with these noxious people at home, work and play.
Do you know people who seem to rob you of your dignity or destroy your self confidence? There seem to be people around who increase our stress levels and destroy our morale. They tend to foster negativity, make life hellish and can even be abusive. At work this can decrease productivity and become toxic because they get away with it and it works for them.
Probably the best strategy is not to get into a ‘difficult’ relationship with them in the first place. Following these hints with people should minimise the chance of igniting the ‘difficult’ part of a person in the first place:
1. Build relationships
Listen to people carefully. Talk to them. Spend time with
them and show that you truly care.
2. Focus on outcomes
You have goals and visions for your life and business. Whilst
you are working towards these you are able to take really objective positions. So
focus on where you are going, not any personal issues you face.
3. See value in people
Everyone has a value and finding and flicking the switch
that truly turns people on, is a worthwhile challenge. Recognising the potential
of people if they are ‘difficult’ may be tough, but it will be worth the effort.
4. Keep your commitments
This builds trust and if you can meet regularly, even
better. If any ‘difficulties’ do occur then this makes resolution a whole lot easier.
5. Be honest and open
Be really clear on your expectations and stick to them. People
will respond positively to frankness. Often a person’s difficult nature will emerge
from being lied to. It is no good trying to resolve issues with difficult people,
if you are going to renege on your agreements or fall down on promises.
6. Deliver on promises
In friendships and business over deliver on speed and issues,
where you can. You will be amazed at what a difference this makes. If you want to
become a hero instead of an irritation this works wonders! Whatever your promise,
deliver on them. Liaise with them in good time.
7. Show respect
Make sure you convey a sense of the worth of a person and appreciate
a personal quality or ability. This can be a hot button for many: There are a number
of cases in which perceived disrespect has led to violence. Make a difference to
someone - you could be changing their life in a way you would never have thought
possible. Have some fun even. Share a laugh maybe?
8. Find win-win positions
Find a common position and seek to meet others half way
without losing site of what is most important. There is usually a win-win to be found.
Take the extra time to find a solution and don’t accept a compromise which means
that someone is losing out.
9. Stick to the point
Be clear about what you are saying and where you are going.
It is vital to have everything in place and especially with the most difficult of
difficult people.
10. Focus on behaviour
Find ways of highlighting a person’s good qualities or skills.
With difficult people, often praising good behaviour and ignoring bad behaviour will
eventually result in much more of the good behaviour. The type of language you use
will be vitally important. As an example here are two different ways of giving feedback
in a work environment to a report that isn’t up to expectations: 1. “You are useless.”
(This is a personalised criticism that devastates self esteem and confidence and
is bound to make future relationship even worse. It contains nothing helpful.) 2.
“The content of your report was clear and concise, but the layout and presentation
were too down-market for its target readership.” (This praises the good elements,
avoids criticism and provides the performer with some information on what to improve.)
If you know the Golden rule: “Always treat people in the way you want to be treated”, maybe you can consider an upgrade to the Platinum rule: "Always treat other people the way they want to be treated."
If it’s somewhat late for these tips to be totally effective then be reminded that you can't change people – they have to change themselves. You can however learn to cope with them. Here are some effective strategies to try:
· Always stand at eye level with the person you are confronting. Avoid them standing over you looking down.
· Respect the other person and always expect respect in return. Settle for nothing less.
· Remain calm.
· Listen attentively.
· Don't argue or interrupt, just listen.
· Don't accuse or judge, just state how you feel. Use ‘I’ Language to indicate that the feelings you are expressing are yours. You are not accusing or judging anyone.
· If the other person tries to verbally bully you, just say, "I don't allow people to treat me this way." Then slowly and calmly walk away.
· When someone is being extremely difficult with you here is a powerful response and one that is easy to use because you don't have to say a word. In the midst of the interaction just PAUSE....LOOK INTENTLY AT THE PERSON, WITHOUT EMOTION......TURN AND WALK AWAY. It works!
· Note that anger is sometimes a valid response.
It may be possible to create another perspective. You could acknowledge to yourself that the anger or difficult behaviour belongs completely to the other person. It may be useful to realise that what causes a person to be difficult is most probably a lack of love and happiness in their life. If in addition you can develop mental imagery techniques such as visualising any anger as a red energy that bounces off or passes through you and simply returns to the source, you can develop more of a ‘Buddha’ like nature. There is a story about the Buddha where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man simmered down and asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, or annoying in any way, you can mentally decline to accept ‘the gift’. Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.
However, you may still may have to deal with the practicalities of this person and their affect on your life. Some possible actions could be:
· Remove the person from your life.
· Confront the person about their behaviour directly. Raise your standards for what you’re willing to accept in your life and enforce them.
· Use behavioural conditioning on the other person.
· Get leverage, and use that leverage to force action.
· Let it go. Sometimes this is the best option if someone injures you in some way. Just let it go and move on.
It’s much much easier to have another person to help you review and support actions in dealing with difficult people. A coach can aid you in this respect and in many other ways.
Click here to arrange an introductory session to find out more.
