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Tip 46 – Creating positive relationships
It's not a mere cliché to say that business and life are mainly about relationships. It's a fact that both a successful life and successful business are built on strong connections between individuals, families, teams and organisations.
When relationships go wrong it’s so easy to get into the ‘I’m right – you’re wrong’ mind set. This is generally not very productive, and it can be hard to let go of this judgement.
It’s not usually possible to examine the other person’s beliefs in these situations, so in order to make any headway self-examination is the first step.
The most powerful method for doing this I have found comes from The Work by Byron Katie. who has developed a simple three step process that can have profound effects.
The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that enables you to identify and question thoughts that cause you suffering. It's a way to understand what's affecting you, and to address your problems with clarity.
In its most basic form the three steps are:
A. An analysis of the situation - express your judgments on paper
B. Asking four questions
C. Creating multiple perspectives and ‘Turning them around’
Let’s take a simple example. You might think that someone doesn't understand you. Do you know someone about whom you have had that thought? Fill in their name in the example.
Step A - Express your judgments on paper
The Work process would be to write down: "[Name] doesn't understand me.”
Step B – Ask and write down your answers to the four questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it's true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Step C – Create multiple perspectives and ‘Turn them around’
A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, and to the self (and sometimes to ‘my thinking’ wherever that applies). Find a minimum of three genuine, specific examples in your life where each turnaround is true.
Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you've judged have in common.
For example, "[Name] doesn't understand me" can be turned around to "[Name] does understand me." Another turnaround is "I don't understand [Name] ." A third is "I don't understand myself."
Being creative with the turnarounds gives you revelations that show you previously unseen aspects of yourself reflected back through others.
Enter into the world of each of the turnarounds and live them. You can discover for yourself that the judgements you make of others can be just your own projections.
As Byron Katie puts it “As I began living my turnarounds, I noticed that I was everything I called you. You were merely my projection. Now, instead of trying to change the world around me, I can put the thoughts on paper, investigate them, turn them around, and find that I am the very thing I thought you were. In the moment I see you as selfish, I am selfish (deciding how you should be). In the moment I see you as unkind, I am unkind (thinking ill thoughts of you). If I believe you should stop waging war, I am waging war on you in my mind.”
The turnarounds are your prescription for happiness. Live the medicine you have been prescribing for others.
And so by re-evaluating your beliefs you can take the first step in creating a much more positive relationship.
Click here to arrange an introductory session to find out more.
A coach can help you with this process and in many other ways.