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Creativity Tip 32 – Creative Blockages: Forgiveness & Guilt

Becoming emotionally stuck – is one of the chief ways that creativity is halted. One of the ways this happens is by running out of energy. Sometimes withholding forgiveness and hanging onto guilt rob us of energy that we could use more creatively elsewhere.

Forgiveness is important if we want to move forward in our lives and work. The myth about forgiveness is that it's something you do for the other person, but is in fact something we do for ourselves.

Not forgiving keeps us connected to that person and anchored to the past. When you hold onto the anger, hurt or resentment, you tend to play it out in your head either the scene where you were wronged, or more likely, a scene of revenge or vindication. That takes some of your energy, every day. By forgiving, we can reclaim the energy that is going into playing out the scene over and over and release ourselves from that past. Also, we tend to be least forgiving about qualities we find hard to forgive in ourselves. We can use forgiveness of another as an opportunity to see where we might be doing the same thing to other people and change that behavior in ourselves.

So how do you forgive? There are numerous processes available from books and teachers, here is a 6 step example:

1. First, realize and acknowledge what you're doing ­ that you're holding onto old anger, hurt, resentment, and perhaps trying to punish someone, feel sorry for yourself or create an excuse not to move forward in your life. These are hard things to admit, but important to the process and to your growth.
2. Express your feelings. Often, we hold onto negative feelings because we don't feel heard. If possible and appropriate, talk it out calmly with the other person. Let them know how you feel and why. If this doesn't feel right or the person is not accessible, you can still have a conversation with them in meditation or your imagination; it will still have impact. Or express your feelings to a trusted friend, counsellor or therapist, so that you feel heard.
3. Look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Why would they have chosen to hurt you? You may be surprised at some of the insights that can surface with this step that will make forgiveness much easier. Also, there may be times when it's difficult to forgive what someone did, particularly in cases of serious abuse, but it is usually possible to understand and forgive ‘why’ they did it.
4. Be willing to let go. This step is important to all types of healing. We may do tons of work in therapy or workshops, but to truly be done with it, we must at some point actively choose to let go and put it behind us. Be honest about this one. If you're not ready to truly let go, you may need to repeat the earlier steps (or the whole process) a few times first.
5. Forgive. This may be as simple as saying, "I forgive you," or you may want to perform some sort of actual or meditative ritual of release. Perhaps light a candle, write "I forgive so-and-so for doing such-and-such" on a piece of paper, see yourself releasing them, then tear up the paper and burn it. Or literally or meditatively draw a line, step over it and say, "I forgive; I am done with this." Or create a ritual of your own.
6. And finally, visualise taking back your energy from that person and situation. Feel released, renewed and revitalized.

Once you've done this process, if you later find yourself feeling angry or running the scene of revenge again, stop and change your thoughts. Or do the process again until you feel clear. You may have to go through it a few times to truly forgive and let it go. And whether you choose to continue a relationship with that person or not, the act of forgiving will free you both.

What if you are the person who has committed something wrong? There are times when we don't mean to hurt someone, but we do. And there are times when, in the heat of anger or hurt, we deliberately lash out. It happens. Or as we become more conscious, we may look back regretfully on our past behaviour that seemed all right at the time but no longer does. And we feel bad. We feel guilty.

It’s known that guilt is often a "substitute" for a feeling we don't think we should have or that feels too uncomfortable or painful. We may be angry at someone who died, or an aging parent or small child, and don't feel we have a right to feel that way. Or we may have deliberately hurt someone we love, and that's too painful or shameful to admit. But like withholding forgiveness, holding onto guilt keeps us imprisoned in the past. As painful as it may be, there's value in dealing with feelings of guilt.

Some ways to handle guilt:

• As always, give yourself permission to feel the feelings. If you're feeling a feeling, it's the right feeling, no matter what anybody tells you or told you. You may not choose to act on it, but it's certainly okay ­ and beneficial ­ to allow yourself to feel it. If you find yourself feeling shamed - which may very well happen if you've hurt someone - it doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're just someone who's committed a hurtful act; in other words, you're human.
• Very often with guilt, the feeling that you really want to get to is called "remorse," to truly feel sorry (or sorrow) for what you said or did. This is not about blame, but about taking responsibility and owning it. Remorse is "deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; pity, compassion." Remorse can be painful, but once you get through it, you can truly release your guilt. So as bad as it may feel, stick with it until you get through to the other side.
•  Forgive yourself. Do the forgiveness process for yourself. Look at why you hurt, take responsibility for it, and forgive yourself.
• If appropriate, you may want to apologise to the other person and ask them for their forgiveness. Be careful of the temptation to turn the tables to make ‘them’ feel sorry for you and soften your own pain. Feel the remorse and give them the space to express their feelings.
• If you're feeling guilty over past behaviour, acknowledge it, forgive yourself, and make the commitment to change the behaviour from that point on ­ certainly a more productive use of your energy than punishing yourself through eternity!

So take a few moments today to see where you need to forgive and where you need to release guilt. And remember, nothing is unforgivable. If you can't forgive the "what," you can always forgive "why." And that goes for yourself, too. The past is over, and the best thing you can do for yourself and those you interact with is to let it go, reclaim the energy that kept the anger and guilt in place, and redirect that energy into a more positive and creative future.

Creativity coaching can help with your thinking, so you can find more connections to successful ways of achieving your goals and dealing with your challenges.

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